Feeling Melancholy

It is New Years Eve, last day of 2008, and I am feeling very melancholy. Perhaps, it is because I am alone as I have been on my birthday, various holidays, and most other major life celebratory days that one usually celebrates with family and friends. I acknowledge that my being alone is a result of my own choices of being desirous of living an independent, self-sufficient, and libertarian life-style, Yet, by nature, man is a social being and while some alone time is essential to one’s well-being, being perpetually alone is dismal. I have strived to contravene this malaise by keeping busy with work, academic studies, cultural activities, social visitations and exchanges, travel, church work, volunteerism, etc.; but the bottom line is that I live as and am an alone being and accordingly have found myself rather despondent as of late. I write this, unsure why, not to evoke sympathy but to give voice to some haunting feelings that seem to shroud me as I age (now 67) increasingly into my twilight years. I realize that I am not unique in experiencing this phenomenon but when it beset one’s self – it is unsettling. The frailty of life is a fact for everyone but more impeding when you are in your senior years. This, plus having been recently diagnosed with CLL (Chronis Lymphocytic Leukemia), gives me pause as to whether I am living my remaining time as fruitfully as I should. For example, I am enrolled in seminary pursuing a Master of Divinity degree that hopefully will result in my ordination of a Unitarian minister at age 70 (can’t help wonder what the odds are that I will live and/or be functional by then). Yet, alternatively, should I be sitting around with my thumb up my ass – I think not. Traveling, maybe, but I don’t have the stamina and money to do very extensively. Golf, bowling, bingo, card games, gambling, and similar activities never attracted me as more than something to pursued on an occasional recreation basis. But I have stranded from the subject of loneliness. Fortunately, for me, it is usually a temporary condition as I have some close and great friends that I enjoy being with and as mentioned have my various activities. So consider this expression a little exercise in self-pity that I will probably unpost shortly after posting.